Jesus Please Help Me

I am sad and I don’t know why. I have become a silent whisperer in this vessel God created. I go to work, I come home, fall in the bed, wake up and do it again over and over. I have no needs or desires. No wants or cares in this world.

I lay here day in and day out. I’ve stopped attending church, but not my faith in God. I’ve gained all the weight back I worked so desperately hard to lose. I do not care. I do not care what I do, or how I do it.

I go to work to pay my bills. Half the time I can’t even spare a $5 dollar bill. I need a second job just to eat, to live. I put on a smile like everything is fine, but deep down it’s not. I’ve gotten lost in this empty darkness that dwells.

My tears roll down my face so I know I’m alive, but it’s like no one lives here, no one is inside. If we looked like a house on the outside, mine would have vines and look rundown. Some days I want a companion, but other days the thought of it all makes me nauseated.

Jesus, I cry out to You in despair, but the enemy is so loud can You even hear. I lay here and I inhale and exhale but it is all so heavy. Seems like I’ve gotten way too much weight to carry. Am I a burden to the One whom created me? Is it all lies, because they burry me, and it’s scary.

Wide awake, but it feels like a nightmare, this lady is buried alive with her own regrets she carries. Covered up with the mistakes she has made and it’s suffocating. Insomnia sets in and she’s feeling shaky. Is she really alive because it doesn’t feel like living.

Taunted and tortured daily. She can’t see the  past her own self pity. She tries to get up but her stomach is queasy and her legs are shaky. She lies still in her bed where she feels steady.

Feeling numb and tired of the way she’s living. She watches the world go by her as she cries in the night. Reflecting on how hard it is to have her life. She’s tired of struggling and tired of fighting.

She used to be so brave and never gave up when she knew she’d fail, but she’d knew she was the one to never stop trying. Where did she go? Jesus please help me find her. The one You created to be a soldier. The one You created has fallen and only You can find her; only You can fix it.

She makes a mess when she tries to fix it. She’s begging and crying for you to pull her out of her own hell. Save me Jesus from this wicked mess. Deliver me from the evil one that lurks in here. He is in my head, my bed, my room, my house, my car and everywhere I am.

Please, Jesus, remove this from me so I can be well. Remove me from this prisoners cell. I’m scared that I’m too far gone and I’m going to drown. My faith is slipping and I’m ashamed to admit, I’m scared of giving up and losing the fight.

She is still in here as I hear her scream, but no one can hear her outside these walls of her own defeat. It’s so dark and so cold in here Jesus please help me, but she will not ask because she’s scared of failing and scared of the judgement that awaits her in public.

Why do I do this when He gets close. I self sabotage myself more than most. Jesus, if You can hear me, pull me up from this wreckage of sins I’ve committed. Hold me tight and never let me go. Just like You held Peter that night in the boat.

This is a blog post from Remain In Faith praying you have a blessed, beautiful, and anointed day!